People are the kaleidoscope of life

When you look around at a social or business gathering, do you ever think about how different the people are? Each person’s journey is made up of different experiences that make them unique in some way.

Einstein used color blindness as an example that each of us may very well see colors a bit different. Who really knows what green looks like to others. We understand the word and how to apply it but not how it appears to anyone else. Possibly that is why my brother does not care for the green sweater I give him for Christmas.

The richness of life comes from interacting with others and gaining perspective from how they see life.

I work mostly with client couples and in most cases, opposites do attract. It is always interesting to see how couples navigate and negotiate mutual decisions. What is important to one is often of little interest to the other. What I have learned is that the opposite strengths in one seem to fill in the weaknesses of the other person. If they learn how to harness the strengths and not drive each other crazy, they make very good decisions.

My roll becomes that of a facilitator to assist in balancing without taking a side in the process. I try to maintain a non bias role with both and as a result, I usually learn something in the process.

I sometimes teach in an interactive men’s’ Bible study.  I am always intrigued that the men can study the same passage and come to such different conclusions based on their own life perspective.

Telling the Truth…or not

When someone or you answer a question, is it with the truth? There are some easily discernable signs that will answer the question.

-          Is the answer or body language defensive? If someone is telling the truth there is no need for a defensive manner. Defensiveness might include jerky body, arm or eye movement as well as change in tone of voice. The truth will stand for itself and does not require a defensive position.

-          The provider of the answer is obviously not listening to the question. If a person is overanxious to provide an answer, they probably do not understand what the question really is. Listening until someone has finished asking in a non defensive manner is a skill that can be learned.

-          Over verbalization. The person answering tries to hose the question with so many words that it never gets addressed. This tactic is used in hopes that the person asking will get distracted and forget the question. If the question is asked again, the person answering will usually become more defensive or abusive (passive or aggressive).

-          Abusive. Many times someone not telling the truth will try to intimidate by using abusive body language, tone or verbiage. Common response is to try to shout down the questioner or try to make the question look irrelevant. This tactic usually makes the person using the tactic lose trust quickly. It looks like it works because the question may seem to go away when it is actually trust that disappears.

-          Changing the subject from the question to something entirely different.  Avoidance is a desperate method of hoping the question will disappear. The person answering looses credibility and the question remains.

-          No group discussion of the answer. People not telling the truth will avoid group discussion at any cost including abruptly terminating a meeting. They are petrified of the possibility of group consensus challenging them.

When answering a question, view it as an opportunity to either gain or lose trust. A question never goes away without an answer; it festers and grows, usually developing into low trust.

“I will find the answer and get back to you” is a great response. It demonstrates that the question deserves an accurate answer. No one is an expert on everything. Deferring to finding the right answer by research or asking someone else demonstrates confidence and character. A big ego has problems with this type of approach. They cannot separate a reasonable question from a personal confrontation.

Rarely but on some occasions a person has lost any sense of truth. These people can be so convincing when lying that it is hard to tell. They know how to avoid the above signs so well that they can present without moral judgment. If an answer sounds too goods to be true, it probably is not.  As a good safety net, it is always wise to check out an answer to be sure it is true with research or discussion.